Skip links
MAKE A REFERRAL
PsychWorks Associates
Published in: Blog

“I’m so sorry…”

Author
Published on:

When death strikes in the family of a colleague: Supporting Covid grief in the workplace

Photo credit: Andre Ouellett (Unsplash)

Dying, death, grieving and loss have always meant different things to different people. As someone who has lost a parent myself (my dear Ma in April 2028), I am still in touch with the experience I had, what I did, how it affected me and crucially what helped me.

There is no doubt about it — and this is supported in the research — that being with people was absolutely key: the freedom of being with Ma until she took her last breaths, touching her face, and being held by others, reminiscing with people I knew or that only Ma knew, having visitors pop by as I stayed for a few days at my parents’ house after the funeral, a series of prayer meetings (we’re Muslim) that happened until 40 days after her passing and of course the endless pots of food that were brought over. Life felt so flat, but there were positive peaks created by a strong sense of community and social connectedness, even if driven by duty. I certainly felt less alone than I would have and I had the cushion of these beautiful gestures of love and being cared for to fall on. I didn’t have to try hard at all.

My wonderful friend and colleague’s dear Mother passed away on New Year’s Day with Covid and from the moment he knew she was ill, it was complicated and so very hard:

He was in Bedfordshire — she was in Brazil

He didn’t know whether he could go see her — yet she was deteriorating

When he decided to go — he knew he could not take his partner

When he searched for flights — he couldn’t easily find any

When he booked a flight — he couldn’t get health insurance

When he decided to go anyway — he was turned away by the flight company at check-in because the stop-over country didn’t allow non-nationals to enter

He suddenly had to frantically find another flight — he would now arrive 24h later than planned

He felt forced to upgrade his seat to counteract the lack of social distancing on the flight — he feared for his own health needs throughout

When he arrived at his hometown — he couldn’t see his Mother or family immediately

He went to his flat, alone — the rest of the family were in their home

When he couldn’t bear the disconnect any more — he found out his father had also tested Covid+ and needed to isolate

As his mum deteriorated, he couldn’t hold or be held by anyone — he was alone

As his mother was dying, he couldn’t tell her he loved her and that he was proud of everything she had done — he could only share those special moments with her in his mind

When his mother died, he heard the news over the phone and couldn’t go anywhere or be with anyone — he could only be in touch virtually with his surviving family

He organised the funeral — there was strict social distancing. Still no hugs, touch or physical comfort

He is now grieving alone, abroad, without his partner and family, and without the normal conventions of a physically close culture

My heart broke for him at every stage of his initial grief journey.

It is not natural for humans to endure such isolation in general, let alone in the face of adversity and distress. Our natural response is to huddle together physically and share the emotional tragedy. The research tells us to do this, the psychological strategies tell us it is protective, and our intuition directs us that way. But, Covid has robbed us of everything normal, helpful and natural.

Covid is no doubt a cruel and unusual disease in how it affects people and in how we are (understandably) responding to its contagiousness. As a psychologist who has encountered grief in my clinic space a few times, I realised that my usual strategies and ideas were being challenged as I navigated my way to be as supportive as possible to my friend and co-worker.

In the event that you too find yourself in a similar position where a close colleague and/or friend experiences grief and loss by Covid, I share some reflections that may be helpful to you:

· Complex and difficult emotions

Shock and disbelief that the death is real… Anger that their death came too soon or perhaps about how their loved one was treated… Worry about the uncertainty to come… Death can be hugely traumatic for some people and a death during a pandemic can fall in this category. Sitting with your colleague’s emotions, however difficult, confused and confusing they might seem, can be containing, supportive and valuable when nothing seems to make much sense.

· How to relate to someone in a socially distanced way

Not being able to be physically present was hard… for both of us. And alternative forms of communication at times of grief previously always seemed to me to be slightly avoidant of the emotion. However, it transpires — probably exacerbated by the fact that we are so socially deprived at the moment — that any form of contact is gratefully received. It was a reminder that he had not been forgotten in these darkened moments. Videocall, phone calls, texts and WhatsApps are therefore all valid and cannot be underestimated. Even if only to say that you’re thinking about them.

Practical help might not be so easily possible, but perhaps offering food orders or support for the admin tasks can make all the difference to stay on top of what they need to do.

· Talking about their loved ones

We are living in a funny time and that usual banter about the loss of a loved one will be less available to someone who is unable to grieve in person with people from their family or circle of friends. This freedom seemed like a big gap in my colleague’s experience. But talking about the person can provide an opportunity to share in the memories and allow for grief processing to occur more easily. It was a truly lovely bonding experience to hear stories about his Mother and reminisce over funny and silly tales of his childhood.

· Cultural awareness of death rituals

Collectivist cultures are more likely to have family-, community- and spiritually-based beliefs that have rituals and customs attached to them, as well as beliefs that dictate how to make sense of death and dying. If you can ask from a place of genuine kindness about the rituals and customs and perhaps even read a little beforehand, this is highly welcome. Having non-judgemental and respectful conversations around the whats, hows and whys can be a refreshing way to engage with the procedures around death that can be meaningful and possibly neutral is talking about the loss itself is too tricky in that moment.

· Time to grieve

Contrary to popular opinion, grief does not follow a linear path. The five stages — whether Kubler-Ross or something else — are not seen as a process through which grief duly works its way. The process is much more unpredictable and feel like it goes backwards as much as it can feel it goes forward. Keeping in touch with your colleague even after the shock of the initial news has passed and life seems normal again would help you determine whether your friend is genuinely able to move on from their loss or whether they are displaying signs of struggling with coping. For example, withdrawal from others might be completely appropriate, but prolonged withdrawal can be detrimental to learning to live life again with the loss. “Complicated grief” may well be indicated for some.

On the other hand, grief is sometimes described as exhausting and disorientating. Sometimes, returning to some of life’s routines and regular activities might feel like light relief from the burden of loss, perhaps even grounding. It might be a refreshing idea to suggest to your friend a return to daily living habits — don’t be alarmed if returning to work seems to your colleague like a good idea. It might well be!

· Supporting a realistic return to work/work pace

I have since struggled with knowing exactly how well my colleague is doing since insisting on a return to work within days of the death. I found it tricky to gauge how well they are doing in themselves and in relation to their workload/people management. Not being able to monitor using observations of facial expressions, their interactions with others, even changes in their diet and ‘office spirit’ leaves an absence of clues.

If a colleague decides to return to work perhaps sooner than you would have expected, be clear about how time out is OK, and calling for a chat can be accommodated when possible. Try to establish regular contact to check in with how they’re doing — reflective conversations and supervision come into their own here. Nurturing and compassionate questions like: How has it been, returning to work? Are there times you’re finding it particularly hard? How have you coped with any wobbly moments? What’s been good in your day/week? What are you doing to look after yourself when you get home?

It’s not easy to lose someone you love and it’s not easy watching someone in pain from losing a loved one. Truth is, the pandemic puts us at increased risk of experiencing and/or witnessing this agony. We are indeed in tricky times, and if we can help the feared reality of bereavement feel less tricky, then surely we’ve done a great thing for someone we care about.

Wishing you and yours well.

You may also like

Leave a comment

  1. Your point of view caught my eye and was very interesting. Thanks. I have a question for you.

  4. Thanks for sharing. I read many of your blog posts, cool, your blog is very good.

  5. Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?

  6. If you are considering LASIK, it is important to familiarize yourself with proper pre and post treatment guidelines priligy generic

  9. Can you be more specific about the content of your article? After reading it, I still have some doubts. Hope you can help me.

  10. Thanks for sharing. I read many of your blog posts, cool, your blog is very good.

  11. Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?

  14. Can you be more specific about the content of your article? After reading it, I still have some doubts. Hope you can help me.

  16. Your point of view caught my eye and was very interesting. Thanks. I have a question for you.

  17. Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?

  19. Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?

  20. Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?

  21. Thanks for sharing. I read many of your blog posts, cool, your blog is very good.

  22. I’m extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the format in your
    blog. Is that this a paid subject matter or did you modify it yourself?
    Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is uncommon to look a nice weblog like this
    one these days. Fiverr Affiliate!

  78. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something which I
    think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me.
    I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang
    of it!

  82. Ищете площадку, где можно приобрести разнообразные товары?
    Рекомендуем обратить внимание на
    официальный портал Кракен: kraken support Россия.

    Здесь каждый клиент сможет найти подходящий товар или отдельную категорию.
    Площадка полностью анонимна и обеспечивает конфиденциальность.

    Покупки можно совершать, не
    беспокоясь о потере средств или личных данных.
    Кроме того, Kraken onion не просто частный магазин, а уникальный маркетплейс.
    Здесь поддержка кракен даркнет предлагают свои вещи
    тысячи торговцев, и всегда можно обнаружить
    что-то максимально выгодное.
    Советуем пройти быструю регистрацию на платформе
    Kraken onion и перейти в магазин, где вы
    легко найдете нужные товары.
    При возникновении трудностей, администрация сайта всегда
    готова предоставить поддержку.

    как выглядит кракен даркнет

  84. Продавайте и покупайте продукты легко и
    без проблем на платформе КРАКЕН kraken marketplace https://xn--krken13-00c.com! Более
    5 000 дилеров предлагают большой ассортимент позиций
    и услуг. Мы гарантируем приватность
    ваших данных и безопасность сделок.
    В случае возникновения споров наши
    специалисты помогут их разрешить справедливо.

    kraken магазин

  99. Этот информационный материал привлекает внимание множеством интересных деталей и необычных ракурсов. Мы предлагаем уникальные взгляды на привычные вещи и рассматриваем вопросы, которые волнуют общество. Будьте в курсе актуальных тем и расширяйте свои знания!
    Изучить вопрос глубже – https://medalkoblog.ru/

  101. What’s Taking place i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have discovered
    It positively useful and it has aided me out loads.
    I’m hoping to give a contribution & aid other users like
    its aided me. Great job.

  114. What’s good hotties! I’m Lucas, and I just discovered this next-level gay chat at BubiChat.
    ️‍

    No cap, I was scrolling grindr when I stumbled on this actually fun chatroom.
    100x better than those bot-filled dating apps!

    At BubiChat, you can:
    Get dirty with daddy guys RIGHT NOW
    No catfish – just down-to-earth dudes
    Stay discreet if you’re just exploring

    Slide into my DMs there and let’s get spicy! Maybe we’ll Netflix & chill?

    Pro tip: It’s free to join – no credit card, just thirsty guys like us.

    Hurry up, daddy! I’m online now at https://bubichat.com/gay-chat/

    Rawr,
    Lucas

  124. Hi there, I discovered your blog by the use of
    Google while looking for a similar topic, your web site got
    here up, it seems to be great. I have bookmarked it
    in my google bookmarks.
    Hello there, just become alert to your weblog via Google, and located that
    it is really informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels.
    I will be grateful in case you continue this in future.

    Numerous folks will probably be benefited
    out of your writing. Cheers!

  133. If you desire to get a great deal from this article then you
    have to apply these techniques to your won web site.

  137. Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I
    find It really useful & it helped me out much. I hope to
    give something back and help others like you aided me.

  151. Over the counter antibiotics for infection: Biot Pharm – buy antibiotics for uti

  184. pharmacie en ligne livraison europe: kamagra gel – pharmacie en ligne france livraison internationale

  188. Pharmacie Internationale en ligne: cialis prix – Cialis sans ordonnance 24h

  235. acheter kamagra site fiable: kamagra gel – п»їpharmacie en ligne france

  246. Generate custom ai hentai maker. Create anime-style characters, scenes, and fantasy visuals instantly using an advanced hentai generator online.

  257. levitra farmacia online: Confia Pharma – farmacia online gastos de envio gratis

  262. vermifuge chat pharmacie sans ordonnance: ketum gel – location fauteuil roulant pharmacie sans ordonnance

  264. medicament pour angine sans ordonnance Pharmacie Express mГ©dicament psoriasis sans ordonnance

  267. se puede comprar variargil sin receta: pedidos online farmacia – fotos de farmacia san pablo 24h – farmacia online & farmacia de guardia sevilla

  279. Мир полон тайн https://phenoma.ru читайте статьи о малоизученных феноменах, которые ставят науку в тупик. Аномальные явления, редкие болезни, загадки космоса и сознания. Доступно, интересно, с научным подходом.

  280. xenical se puede comprar sin receta: Confia Pharma – tratamientos pieles grasas de farmacia online

  281. se puede comprar captopril sin receta: Confia Pharma – bactrim se puede comprar sin receta

  284. comprar galotam 100 sin receta precio: Confia Pharma – farmacia online envio gratis sin pedido minimo

  287. comprar antibioticos sin receta: Confia Pharma – farmacia online proteoglicanos

  292. puedo comprar antibiotico sin receta Confia Pharma enalapril comprar sin receta

  297. Научно-популярный сайт https://phenoma.ru — малоизвестные факты, редкие феномены, тайны природы и сознания. Гипотезы, наблюдения и исследования — всё, что будоражит воображение и вдохновляет на поиски ответов.

  299. farmacia veterinaria online canarias: Confia Pharma – comprar mebendazol sin receta

  315. india rx: InPharm24 – first online pharmacy in india

  332. cancun pharmacies: Pharm Mex – mexico pharmacy price list adderall

  335. top online pharmacy in india: InPharm24 – e pharmacy in india

  342. online pharmacy fioricet: revia pharmacy – best online pharmacies no prescription

  345. buy medicine online india meds get medicines from india

  350. cheap viagra usa: VGR Sources – online generic viagra prescription

  353. where to buy sildenafil canada VGR Sources sildenafil citrate tablets

  355. Your article helped me a lot, is there any more related content? Thanks!

  361. viagra online pharmacies: VGR Sources – pharmacy viagra canada

  362. where can you buy viagra online: 007 viagra – purchase generic viagra online

  367. buy viagra wholesale: VGR Sources – best online price for viagra

  369. online pharmacy viagra prescription VGR Sources sildenafil generic 50 mg

  372. sildenafil 100mg coupon: VGR Sources – generic sildenafil online uk

  376. sildenafil where to buy: VGR Sources – buy viagra soft online

  378. sildenafil prices in canada VGR Sources where to buy generic viagra online safely

  380. best price for viagra in us: 400 mg viagra – cheap generic viagra fast delivery

  382. viagra soft tabs 50 mg: VGR Sources – where can you buy viagra in south africa

  384. buy female viagra pills: VGR Sources – buy viagra online using paypal

  393. viagra pills online purchase: VGR Sources – cheap viagra generic best price

  394. can i buy viagra over the counter nz VGR Sources sildenafil 100mg coupon

  402. Need transportation? auto transporters quotes car transportation company services — from one car to large lots. Delivery to new owners, between cities. Safety, accuracy, licenses and experience over 10 years.

  405. viagra over the counter canada: VGR Sources – buy sildenafil from india

  414. rybelsus oral semaglutide: SemagluPharm – п»їBuy Rybelsus online USA

  415. PredniPharm: Predni Pharm – prednisone 20mg online without prescription

  422. Crestor Pharm: CrestorPharm – are there any dietary restrictions while taking crestor

  425. Order rosuvastatin online legally: Crestor Pharm – Order rosuvastatin online legally

  430. Where to buy Semaglutide legally: SemagluPharm – rybelsus oral tablet

  431. can rosuvastatin cause dementia: Crestor Pharm – Online statin therapy without RX

  445. Rybelsus online pharmacy reviews: SemagluPharm – Rybelsus online pharmacy reviews

  450. Online statin drugs no doctor visit: LipiPharm – LipiPharm

  457. Профессиональное https://kosmetologicheskoe-oborudovanie-msk.ru для салонов красоты, клиник и частных мастеров. Аппараты для чистки, омоложения, лазерной эпиляции, лифтинга и ухода за кожей.

  464. ultimate createporn AI generator. Create hentai art, porn comics, and NSFW with the best AI porn maker online. Start generating AI porn now!

  465. Where to buy Semaglutide legally SemagluPharm Rybelsus 3mg 7mg 14mg

  470. Cheap Lipitor 10mg / 20mg / 40mg: Lipi Pharm – atorvastatin cause erectile dysfunction

  483. ultimate createporn AI generator. Create hentai art, porn comics, and NSFW with the best AI porn maker online. Start generating AI porn now!

  486. atorvastatin 20 mg para que sirve: Lipi Pharm – LipiPharm

  490. can you eat grapefruit with atorvastatin: LipiPharm – Online statin drugs no doctor visit

  512. Защитные кейсы plastcase в Санкт-Петербурге — надежная защита оборудования от влаги, пыли и ударов. Большой выбор размеров и форматов, ударопрочные материалы, индивидуальный подбор.